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Wednesday, September 18, 2013

That one time I was in a Rom Com

So I had this dream last night that I was walking along and I saw a guy playing a Jason Mraz song with a bunch of other guys listening. I went over to listen and they were all staring at me. Eventually someone (who looked a lot like Nick Miller from New Girl) that this was a men's club. No women. 
I was taken aback because this was in a park and plus- men only? Where are we?

Anyway, I left and ran into the wives, who told me a bit about this strange men's club. As I was talking to the wives, the men came over (must have finished their Jason Mraz jam party?) and heard me making fun of their little club. Nick Miller got all Nick-Miller-grumpy with me and then asked if I could do better. I said I could and they made me their social director.

Then my dream got all Rom Com movie trailer montage on me ( A girl as a men's club social director? How quirky!). Me and a bunch of guys on splash mountain (I think? I've never been), me and a bunch of guys playing paintball, me and a bunch of guys playing in a waterfall (they were all really awkward in the beginning of the dream but they were better looking by the time we got to the waterfall) and obviously me and Nick Miller falling in love (sorry, honey. It's Nick Miller!). It probably ends with the guys letting their wives be in the club because me and Nick Miller are having so much fun. But I don't know, I woke up.

Sometimes my dreams are movie trailers?

Friday, June 21, 2013

Grin and bare it

What's more fun than public nudity with 8,000 of your closest friends? Almost nothing, that's what.

Two weeks ago I participated in the World Naked Bike Ride in Portland. The event started years ago as a protest to draw attention to the vulnerability of bicyclists in our roadways and also to celebrate people-powered transportation. Portland regularly sets the record for the biggest turnout. No surprise as Portland has also been named the most bike friendly city in the US.

I hadn't been on my bike in over a year. I'm not an avid cyclist. To be honest, I was totally in it for the nakedness/Portland rite of passage.

I was terrified leading up to the ride- not because I was worried about being naked. Naked schmaked. I was worried my rickety ass bike would betray me or I might fall while riding in this pack of thousands of people. No such disasters! The only thing that betrayed me was my thighs- I need to do more squats because lordy the hills killed me.

I met up with Jason and a few of his friends to ride over to the starting location in the Park Blocks downtown. Even fully clothed, people guessing where we were going began cheering us on our way over. Portland loves naked people almost as much as it loves bikes.

When we got there, it was naked people and glitter and body paint and glow sticks and lights as far as the eye could see. Can you imagine 8,000 naked people hanging out? I can. And it's awesome. I was there for about 10 minutes before going full nakes. Just my tennis shoes and earrings.

It's crazy how quickly the naked becomes normal. Standing in the middle of all of those naked people, you feel uncomfortable in your clothes. You feel like an intruder on all of the naked happiness. Of course, there are folks who don't go totally bare. Lots of ladies wore panties or tutus. The variety of pasties on display was impressive. But there was no judgement- naked, mostly naked, painted, glittered, etc. Nobody cared. By showing up in all of your naked glory you were agreeing not to be an asshole. "Awesome nipple rings!" - totally acceptable. "Nice rack!"- definitely not. People were respectful and any perviness came from the clothed people lined up as spectators. People who came for the orgy must have been really disappointed.

And man, there were a lot of spectators. I should have expected this but I was totally surprised by both the level of disrespect and overwhelming support and positivity coming from those who lined up along the route. Because of the huge crowds, we didn't start moving till about 10:30pm. So we were moving very slowly towards the road, everyone packed in like sardines when a group of guys posted up in the middle of the crowd and began taking photos and commencing in general douchebaggery. Jason got into it with them a bit and it almost got pretty ugly. There were similar groups throughout the ride, but outnumbering them were people cheering, high-fiving, dancing, BBQing naked, moshing naked, and just generally being incredible.

When we finally got moving and I was riding down the street naked with one of my best friends and people cheering for us- that was one of the coolest things I've ever experienced. Want to feel like a super hero? Do the naked bike ride.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

The Engagement

I'm nearly positive that everyone who reads this knows all about how Pat and I got engaged but just in case, I thought I'd share. Fair warning this will be a long post.

Pat and I had planned to take a road trip the weekend before Valentine's day this year to Baker City, OR. Pat found this amazing hotel call the Geiser Grand Hotel and there is a brewery there that he really wanted to check out. You might recall from our ghost town road trip an adorable little school house in Friend, Oregon. We decided to stop there for a picnic on the way there since we loved it so much the first time. 

I kinda knew it was coming. Call it spidey sense or whatever you want but I had an inkling. And here is why I am a jerk- I went out the night before and got completely destroyed. I walked home over 4 miles by myself at 3 in the morning. Pat was so furious with me for not calling him for a ride. This was not the first time. I am completely forboden from walking home like that again. BUT I got up at 7 or whenever we had to get up to leave and pulled myself together. Pat kept looking at the sorry state I was in and shaking his head. Probably was rethinking the entire thing- do I really want to marry this mess?

Maybe I was imagining it but I could feel him getting nervous as we got closer to Friend. It's something like a four hour drive. When we pulled up Pat pulled out a beer and damn near chugged it. We walked around a bit and played with the dogs. The weather was really beautiful and we sat on the steps and had a cheese and cracker picnic like we did the first time. 

At one point Pat went to his car and grabbed a big red box. Here we go, I thought. So I opened the box, a bit nervous, and inside were two bottles of wonderful cider. I have a think for cider and one of them I had been dying to try. I was kinda rooting around in the box is there a ring in here or? I was totally stoked on the cider, I was just confused. I started thinking maybe my spidey sense was broken and I totally misread the whole situation.

So we finished our picnic and were just sitting on the step watching the sunset and the dogs and the birds and the seriously beautiful scenery. We've tried to take good photos before but they really don't do it justice. 
At some point I start to get cold but Pat is clearly stalling. We are sitting on the steps and he somehow transitions so he is crouching in front of me below the steps, holding my hands. At this point, I'm pretty sure I know what's going to happen. But then it doesn't. We keep watching the sunset and the dogs and the birds. Then a few minutes later he transitions to the one knee. Again, I brace. But then we keep watching the sunset and the dogs and the birds. After probably 5-7 minutes of just hanging out, my hands in his and him on one knee, he starts trying to make his speech. He said some really lovely things but had the hardest time getting his words out and in the right order. It was pretty cute. Then he says "So I got you something" HA, and then he reaches into the wrong pocket, switches pockets, and pulls out my ring. He opens the box and shows it to me. I don't think he knew or could remember at that moment which hand/finger he needed from me. And since he hadn't yet asked me to marry him or any other variation of that phrase, I was hesitant. I was 99.99999999% sure I knew what he wanted but can you imagine the idea of handing someone your right finger only to realize that they were just being really dramatic about giving you jewelery? It would be the first jewelery I had received from him, so in my nervous brain this was a possibility. 

Either I bit the bullet or he remembered which appendage he was supposed to put the ring on and all of a sudden I was wearing an engagement ring. I kinda stared at him like "soooooooo did you have something you wanted to ask me?" Call me old fashioned but I wanted the question. Finally he asked, and I said yes.  I mean, it would have been pretty awkward if I said no after he put the ring on. 

It was pretty surreal. Even knowing it was coming and knowing that I would say yes, realizing that you straight up just promised to marry someone is jarring in a way that I didn't expect it to be- it's the cheesiest thing in the world but I felt floaty. We both just kept smiling silly smiles and of course I spent the whole weekend staring at my ring. 

We decided to take the weekend to adjust to the news ourselves before telling our loved ones. So we went to Barley Brown's that night for dinner and checked into our wonderful hotel and explored Baker City as a secretly newly engaged couple. There were a few people who had a good idea- I had told them my suspicions or Pat had been consulting friends about his plans- but it was really nice to have a weekend away to enjoy the newness and excitement of the whole thing. Our hotel was so beautiful- I would recommend it to anyone. It is a fully restored hotel built in 1889. The rooms have amazing high ceilings with chandeliers and a beautiful stained glass ceiling in the center of the hotel and it makes you feel like you've stepped into the past (or a movie set). Also, its pet friendly! 

On our way back home, we stopped at pFriem Brewing in Hood River to eat and I wanted to call my parents and tell them the news. I was so incredibly nervous and I have no idea why. But after I got off the phone, the server had overheard and asked us if we had just got engaged. We told her yes and I got to show off my ring and she gushed and it was so fun to have this stranger so happy for us. She sent us home with a growler and some glassware as a congratulations gift. Our first wedding gift, and very fitting. 

Now here we are almost 4 months later and it's old news. 

The ring: It's circa 1930, came from Gilt in Portland. I took pictures of it in the bathroom because for some reason the overhead light in there makes it sparkle like crazy. I had thought I didn't want a diamond. I wanted a colored stone. But once I saw this ring I knew it was perfect. He did an amazing job. The filigree includes some rose gold, which I love. It's so beautiful on its own I don't think I'll be adding a band or anything to it.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Hey Tuesday, let's start over.

So remember how I had a tongue nubbin? Well now I have a hand nubbin. Or a palm nubbin. Me and nubbins go way way back. I had one in middle school in my middle finger but I got rid of that shit by climbing trees. My pain tolerance and gross out tolerance have both since declined so that's not an option this time around.

The new one is right in the middle of my palm. And it hurts when I drive and stuff. It's basically a nuisance so I made a doctors appointment to go get it checked out before I get kicked off my parents insurance in 2 months. But thennnn I forgot and slept through my appointment because I'm a responsible adult.

So I made a new appointment for this morning. I set an alarm like a grown ass woman and left my house with 40 minutes to get there when google told me it would only take 20. Then I sat on Powell for 30 minutes trying to get to the freeway. Not the best, Tuesday. SO I called to reschedule and Melinda was totally mean to me. It's Kaiser so I know that even if I showed up 15 minutes late they would get me in and it would totally screw up their whole day so I thought I'll call and reschedule so I don't ruin someone else's Tuesday.
But Melinda was just super mean. Maybe she hadn't had any coffee yet or maybe she's just a really unpleasant person in general. If you know someone who works at the Beaverton Kaiser, tell them Melinda needs a hug.

I flipped a Uey (how do you even spell that?) and headed to work all jazzed because I was going to be way earlier than usual, only to get stuck on 213 twice-20 minutes each time. I know fixing roads is important and things but isn't there a way to do it that doesn't inconvenience ME? And/or if I'm going to be inconvenienced could someone get on the potholes on that weird hill you have to use to get onto Ross Island?

Then I'm almost to work and realize I straight up forgot to put makeup on today. Like, any. I'm naked. And my eyelashes are blonde so when I forget mascara it's a big deal. So I went to the store and bought some foundation and mascara because I actually have a meeting today and I can't look like some kind of haggard eyelash-less disaster.

So, Tuesday, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to get some coffee and put on some Justin Timberlake Pandora and we're going to pretend like none of this ever happened.

Monday, June 3, 2013

Smoothie lovin

Smoothie with failed friendship bracelet attempt in background.
Here's the thing- your wedding/the year of your wedding is the most photographed time in your life. At least, it's the most professionally photographed time. Going through college with smart phones and facebook- I'm pretty positive that "drunk" is actually the most photographed time in my life. 

That being said, our engagement photos are in a couple months-ish and so I'm trying to get in shape. Not like I'm going to stop eating or anything. I'd be terrible at that. More like I made a smoothie for breakfast instead of just eating half the bag of sour cream and onion potato chips that we have left over from camping. (Potato chips make a perfectly delicious breakfast though, don't get me wrong. Especially smushed in between two pieces of bread with mustard and cheddar cheese...)

I made this smoothie for my late breakfast today while working from home. It is one of my favorite things I've ever made . I think it's at least minimally good for you and it comes in around 285 calories. Super filling and some protein for this vegetarian lady.

1 cup Almond Milk
1 cup frozen mixed berries
1 banana
1/2 a container of raspberry greek yogurt (about 3 oz)

Blend until all of the banana chunks are gone. Then put it in your mouth and be full for hours. I'm actually struggling to finish mine.

Update: I am eating a mustard, cheese, pickle, and sour cream & onion chips sandwich for lunch and I don't even feel bad about it because I killed it at the gym. Then again, I never feel bad about mustard and cheese sandwiches. 


Resolution fail, you guys. I had serious intentions of writing daily. I did. And then I didn't, which sucks because I love having this place to record, remember, and revisit the things that happen in my life.
So this is me re-promising myself to write more.
In honor of that, I thought I'd revisit my goals for this year.

1. Remember to write. Find something hilarious or weird or true to write down once a day. 
We've been over this. I'll try to be better.

2. Take voice lessons. I've wanted to do this since I was a little girl. No grand ambitions, just want to know how to sing properly.

I have not made this happen. I did, however, perform what I can only assume was a beautiful version of "Cups" with Jason walking down Hawthorne the other night around 3am. 

3. Participate in the Urban Iditarod. For the last two years my boyfriend and our friends have created awesome shopping-cart structures and donned costumes for a day of drinking and general portlandy awesomeness. I have been unable to join them. This year, I will make it happen. 
Guess what, they CANCELLED it this year. So, this one is actually not my fault. The naked bike ride is this weekend though and it's totally on my bucket list. Stay tuned. 

4. Juice fast. Only like 5 days. I am sometimes not very nice to my body. I put bad things in it. It's time for a re-set. 
4A. Buy a new juicer.
Pat's mom got us a Juicer for his birthday. I did a 3 day fast and I am so sorry to anyone who encountered me during this very trying time. Pat was way better at it than me. He is also being much better about remembering to juice. 

5. Pay off 2 credit cards. This is credit card debt mostly from 3 years ago. Time to get rid of it and start being nicer to my credit score.
Not even close. My 2012 bonus is a big part of this plan. It hasn't arrived yet. Sigh. Also, likely all extra money this year will go to the wedding (oooooh yeah I'm getting married. More on that later.)

6. Run a 5k. I did this a couple years ago but know I couldn't do it again right now. 
Currently training/working up to it. Thinking Electric Run or maybe Zombie Run.

7. Squat 150 lbs. (3 sets of 10)
Working on it. Currently at 75 ,3 sets of 10.

8. Bench 100 lbs. (3 sets of 10)
Working on this too. Currently at 65, 3 sets of 10.

9. Complete two more series at Night Flight. Make time and room in my budget.
There is just no way this is going to happen. See: no money.

10. Finish my tattoo by the end of February.
Another bonus-based dream. New goal: Finish tattoo by end of summer. 

11. Get a savings account. Actually put money in it. 

12. Read 12 new books. 
I would probably be further along on this if I hadn't decided to re-read the Harry Potter series. But I've read 3.5 new books this year so far.

13. Kick ass at my job. 
This is totally debatable. Brewfest was a logistical success this year but didn't make as much money as we hoped. So there is definitely room for improvement.

Monday, March 25, 2013

All the things

On Thursday, I ended my juice cleanse thing and I was like...
This is not how you are supposed to end a juice fast. You are supposed to start with solid fruits and vegetables and work back to your normal diet. But man, I ate all of the things.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Man, eating things sounds so good.

Juice fast thing: hour 46 ish.
I still really want some quesadillas. I want to eat a lot of things. Somehow my orders-two-entrees-for-himself fiance is doing so much better at this than I am. He's all "I have energy!" and I'm all "nobody talk to me."

I'm going to force myself to go to the gym and hang out on the elliptical for a half hour and hopefully some sweating will make me feel better. The sweating or the Gossip Girl I'm going to watch while I do it.

26 more hours.

Breakfast: pineapple, grapefruit, carrot, beet, kale, lemon and apple juice. It's delicious(not sarcasm.).
Lunch: same
Dinner: Probably the same thing plus a blood orange? I kinda failed at V8 last night. I added peppers and the spiciness was the only thing I really liked about it. But I forgot the beet. Probably the missing link. That or salt. wonderful, beautiful salt. (I did actually add a little bit. It wasn't enough)

Tuesday, March 19, 2013


This is the juice I've been drinking all day. When you mix it up it's just a dark beet color but it sure was pretty while I was making it. 
I'm roughly 20 hours into a 72 hour juice cleanse/fast/whatever. I'm pretty hungry.
I set a goal at the beginning of the year to complete a juice fast/whatever because I've read good things about giving your body a reset. I'm not particularly kind to my body food-wise so a few days of vitamins seems like a great idea. Ideally I hear I should eat better all the time steps. 
I'm doing the 72 hour version before I try a full 5 days for a couple reasons- 
1. 5 days of consuming nothing but juice is really expensive. It's a shitty truth of today that it is often cheaper to eat poorly than to buy produce. 
2. I have a lady date on Thursday at Louie's in Eugene. I haven't been to Louie's for years. I'm going to eat some food. 
3. If I make it through 3 days without killing someone I can probably do 5 days right?

Today's juices:
Breakfast: a little bit of almond milk, then a tasty mix of carrots, apples, lemon, and ginger.
Lunch/allllll day: beets, kale, grapefruit, carrots, apples, lemon, and ginger
Dinner: Thinking of creating a V8 type of deal. I need something that's not sweet. 

I feel okay. Just hungry and craving cheesy things like a mofo. And bread. Basically I want like 10 quesadillas. 

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Can you find them?

The event I'm working on right now is our Quilt Show which takes place at the end of January. This is a description of one of the quilts submitted. It made me laugh. (And then cry because laughing causes involuntary tongue movement.)

"Using...raw edge collage technique and leaf-printed material form my fabric collection, I designed this tribute to the Autumn season.

Feeling it lacked something, I resolved the problem by hiding a few kittens among the leaves. Can you find them?"

Sometimes you just gotta hide some kittens.


I'm having surgery today. Nubbin surgery. About a year ago I bit my tongue/burned my tongue/said something so awesome that my tongue couldn't handle it and got one of those angry tastebuds right on the tip. You know the ones. Then it stopped hurting but it stayed there. And now it's about the size of half of a pea. I know, doesn't sound big but I mess with it constantly. Nothing like being in a business meeting and noticing you've been twirling your nubbin on your canine for at least 30 seconds. Professional.
So I'm headed to Kaiser where a doctor who actually wears the reflective head thing-
and hippy clothes and crocs- is going to remove my nubbin. She says it will just feel like I bit my tongue really hard. That's a comfort. Biting my tongue always feels so good.
I also can't eat spicy or salty things for a while. So, I'm not really sure what I'm going to eat.

UPDATE: 1pm. Fuckity fuck. Ouchity fuck. Don't get tongue surgery. Just keep your nubbins.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Nothing interesting

Nothing too interesting has been happening. Or I just haven't been paying attention. It's probably the second one. I'll try to be more aware of my surroundings.
I had dinner with my friend Beth at this quaint little place. You may have heard of it. It's called the Olive Garden. It must really be catching on because there are always tons of people there.
Beth and I have planned at least 100 weddings to multiple suitors there over the years. We go to the Olive Garden and we talk about weddings and then also about how poor we are-while we eat super overpriced microwaved mass produced Italian food. But it's so good, or at least it's mediocre and completely predictable and comforting. We talk about other things too, but we don't like to neglect weddings and poverty. When we get married and rich I don't even know what we'll do.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013


My work holiday party was this last Saturday night and may or may not have turned into a bit of a shit show on my end. It's possible that I ended the night with Pat and a coworker drinking whipped vodka and sprite in a kitchen until 5:30am. It's also very likely that Pat was sweating whipped vodka and consequently smelled like a gay bar all day Sunday.
Even before this last weekend I had decided to take on the challenge of not drinking for a month. Trying to save money and calories. I have to say I'm not very confident that this will pan out.

1/14 update- have successfully avoided drinking alcohol so far.  It's kindof the worst. I miss beer.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Thought Catalog

I've recently become a bit of a twitter addict. Not that I actually tweet very often. I mostly just stalk Ryan Seacrest and Josh Groban. I get alerts on my phone so that I find out really important things like when Kanye and Kim are pregnant and when congress finally comes to a semi-non-compromise on the fiscal cliff.
Recently, though, the most addicting part of twitter for me is getting updates from Thought Catalog(if you don't know what it is, google it). Sometimes they are terrible but now and again there's a gem. Today this one came up and I just love it. Enjoy.

What Others Leave For You To Keep

Jan. 4, 2013
There are others. More than you can comprehend. They’re everywhere you go and you’ll meet some of them.
Some of these other people will naturally establish themselves as an apparent fixture in your life, and change how life looks to you. This is called a relationship. If the person stays around for months or years, your relationship with them might begin to feel permanent.
It’s not. Relationships are conditions, not things. They all have to end at some point. But they will leave something behind for you to keep.
There are different kinds, different styles of rapport between you and The Other: polite, uneasy, romantic, platonic, confusing. We tend to slot them into distinct types — friendships, courtships, marriages, business partnerships — but they’re all fundamentally the same thing. Two people overlap, experience each other’s thoughts and ideas, absorb each other’s values, and learn from each other’s stories. Personalities leak into other people when those people get close enough.
This happens all the time, and it is always temporary. The overlap comes to an end and the parties diverge and drift away. It could be after 72 hours of traveling together, or after a summer internship working together, or after 55 years of marriage. If nothing else ends it, death will.
This means that life is essentially a solo trip. You’ll have this endless parade of visitors, though, which is nice. Characters you couldn’t have imagined will appear, stay for a minute or maybe a few months or maybe many years, and then leave you to your trip.
Welcome visitors, as a general rule. Their purpose is to aid the solo traveler in figuring out how to enjoy the world.
Most people will enter and exit your life without your noticing much. Some of them will make a big splash though. Some visitors will be decidedly special. You’ll know.
The most valuable experience a person can have is an overlap with this kind of person. The defining characteristic of one of these people is that they make it impossible for you to remain the same person by the time they make their exit.
Each one of these people, by the time your paths diverge, will have changed you in a way that is evident to others who know you.
You probably will not recognize quite what’s happening at the time. You will feel something though. The feeling of windows opening.
However this particular overlap goes, whatever experiences it’s made of, ecstatic ones or awful ones — a few months or years down the road, you’re different. You’re better. Something that was hard is now easy, something that was daunting is now familiar, something you were once skeptical about you now love.
You will be left with some beliefs you didn’t have before. You will value certain things more than you did, and other things less than you did.
Maybe you’ve never thought about it, but you’ve had this happen to you, several times by now. It will happen again and again. You have no idea who is on their way to meet you. They have no idea either.
At any given moment, any time, any day of your existence, you can look at your whole life as a vast collection of experiences, and recognize that all of it adds up exactly to who you’ve become today. Who you became depended — to a degree you may never appreciate — on who you happened to run into while you were out in the world doing your thing. You could have been so many different people.
All relationships are temporary. They change form and texture as time passes, and they eventually go.
If it’s been a special one — with a lover, an important teacher, a parent – its absence can be a heavy one. Almost tangible. You can feel the presence of their absence. The Other is gone. An empty desk, an unused pillow, an open doorway with no one standing in it.
But you’re still there, and you’re better than you were.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

I'm a really good sister.

My brother Andy and his girlfriend were in Portland for New Year's Eve and the next day we were all sitting around nursing our hangovers and talking about how much he looks like my dad, I look like my mom, etc.

I have an old photo of my parents from when my mom was pregnant with me and I pulled it out so we could compare and contrast. It's in the same frame as it was when my grandma gave it to me after my great grandmother died(I pulled it out of a box of her stuff and asked to keep it)  and my brother got curious and opened up the back. There were a couple more pretty great photos but also...this.

It is a two-sided document outlining the perfect sleepover and also my plan to 'get Andy.'

Perfect Sleepover
1. prank calls (and Jaci)
2. get Andy!
3. dress up
4. talk all night
5. girl scouts
Get dart Guns
Put rocks in pillow
Whip cream on alarm clock

What I'm not sure about is how it ended up behind the frame. I can only imagine that I was hiding it so that in the future I could carry out "The PLAN" in complete secrecy.
Rocks in his pillow? Really? Seems a bit much. Although I think that he once put a cat hairball on my pillow. Or did I do that to him? It's all a blur. Judging by my handwriting I'm going to date this document late elementary/early middle school.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013


This is basically what my gym looks like. Also, I wonder if my hair is finally long enough for a sock bun.
High schoolers go to my gym. I'm pretty sure nobody else in the gym tonight can legally drink. Or vote. It's. just. Great. I just watched a 16 year old bench his girlfriend. To be fair, I'm pretty sure I could bench his girlfriend.
Two of the other ones are next to each other on the elliptical talking about whether they can get an upper classman to take them to prom and which one? and if they cant get one of the good ones should they settle for someone less desirable just so they can go? Do they think an ugly guy would pay for their dress for the privilege of touching them? And today of all days I didn't bring head phones. Just a book. But even a good book can't block this out.

Girls, I'm trying to sweat out roughly four days of drinking and it's ALREADY really unpleasant. I skipped the gym for a month, then showed up with four loko still in my system. I didn't need help making this miserable.

There are cheerleaders doing toe touches in the mirror where I'm watching myself grunt through 85 lb squats that were definitely easier a month ago. I could do toe touches ten years ago, too, my dears. Come see me in 2023.

On the bright side, the girl who stood in for her boyfriends exercise equipment just tried to squat the bar and made a really ugly noise. So there is that.

I'd butter your pop tart.

Sometimes you go through your whole life thinking that the things you do are normal- or at least normal ish. Then you find out that nobody else wants to go see Sugar Ray at the casino(seriously guys I still don't get this) or you innocently mention that a buttered cinnamon pop tart would be delicious right about now and then people who you thought were your friends turn out to be butter hating jerks.

Luckily, you will have another friend who is like "well, duh. Is there any other way?" and then you'll look at each other and make a face that says seriously what is wrong with these people?

This turned into quite a debate so naturally I asked the internet what it thought.
First of all- buttering pop tarts has a facebook page. Which means it's a real thing. 
Also, Jessica Simpson did it when she was pregs. Don't know if that makes it more or less legit.
This message board is dedicated to the question- to butter or not to butter. But then there are sub-debates. If you butter, do you butter on the frosted or unfrosted side (I go frosted) and which flavors are best buttered (cinnamon and smores)?