Melissa told me that the average person spends something like 20,000 minutes kissing in their lifetime. And then I was trying to figure how much time I'd spent kissing. And I realized that I only really remember 3 kisses. In my life. I mean, I have memory of doing more kissing than that. But I mean actually remember? 3.
1. First kiss. Kevin something. I think his last name starts with an H. In a fraternity house. Lots of blacklight and glowing alcohol bottles. It was a pimps and hos party. I was dressed appropriately.
2. Most awkward kiss. New Years eve 06/07. Stood next to Scott for like 45 seconds after midnight. Blew a noise maker. He had turned me down but I was with him at a New Years party. What the hell was I supposed to do? I didn't know. Neither did he. We shrugged and then kissed. Almost a butthole kiss. See below.
3. Best Kiss. Nope. Not tellin. But I remember it.
A silly kissing story.
In something like 6th or 7th grade one of the boys I grew up with asked me out. Well, HE didn't ask me. Thomas Hawk did.(who I was in LOVE with by the way. He had longish floppy hair. We had a very short fling but he dumped me because I wouldn't ride on his pegs without a helmet. Safety. First.((that would make an excellent euphemism, but it's also a true story)))He took me behind the blacktop and told me that Jeff Dillon wanted to 'go out with me.'I thought it was weird but Jeff and I already rode the bus together and shared an affinity for the song "Barbara Ann" by the beach boys in addition to a pretty strong affection for South Park. Once I called his house and left a message for him. At the end, I said 'screw you hippy' which is FREAKING HILARIOUS if you watched South Park then-believe me. It was quality. His father called me and yelled at me. Apparently, that's inappropriate. uh, so now the lead in is longer than the story but the story is that one day (towards the end of our brief but obviously very meaningful relationship)he and Kyle Jordan came over to my house unannounced. I was reading. Probably a Mary Higgins Clark novel. I wasn't in the mood to entertain so I did what anyone would do. I just kept reading and pretended they weren't there. At which point Kyle says, 'just kiss her so we can leave!' Well, I never!
We broke up because he obviously didn't respect me.
More about kissing. Jason sometimes gives butthole kisses. These are the most uncomfortable kisses ever. It's when you purse your lips together really really tight. So they're kinda hard. It's so much more awkward then you ever think it's going to be. And they're almost as uncomfortable to give as they are to receive.
Another rewind.
I got in trouble multiple times in elementary school for chasing and kissing boys. I also kicked them in the shins. This disarmed them so I could kiss them.
One time my teacher called my mother because I lined all the boys up and went down the line kissing each one. I was a damned floozy. Maybe I'm not behind on my 20,000 minutes after all.
0 comments:
Post a Comment